Look at me! I'm a sannyasin!

I was four years old. Everything novel is cool when you're four. I got to change my name and proudly correct anyone who continued to call me "Julie".
"My new name is Hira. You can call me Hira. It means diamond. The first part, Prem, means love so I am a love diamond!"

It was fun to dye all of my clothes red, pink, and purple. And I had that pretty necklace! When my parents came back from India with my new name and all the accoutrements, I was thrilled. They also drilled into me the importance of caring for my necklace, using my new name, and wearing the colors. If I didn't do all those things all the time, I was no longer really a sannyasin. I took this very seriously.

When I was about five, I started ballet lessons with most little girls in the western world at that age. I was so excited. I LOVED to dance! Daddy took me to the studio for my first lesson, dressed in my tights leotard (pink, of course), and I was dying to get going. We walked in the door and there were all these prim little girls, hair in tight buns, sitting quietly on chairs with their hands folded across their laps. I leapt down out of my father's arms and into the dance hall spinning wildly and dancing about. Hey, I thought this was dance class!

I looked forward each week to my ballet lessons. I never really made any friends there, none of the girls talked to me all that much, but it didn't bother me a bit. I had plenty of friends elsewhere, I just wanted to dance! One thing that was difficult, though, was wearing that mala. With 108 beads, it was very long, about down to my belly button, even with the smaller kids' locket. When I was a little older, i learned the trick of putting it over one shoulder, wearing it kind of like a bag, the way the sweaty grownups in Pune would do when they did dynamic meditation or encounter groups.

Anyway, I finally decided it would be OK to take the mala off once in while when i really needed to, like when i was dancing. I took my mala off, carefully put it, well, somewhere, and went off to dance. After my dad picked me up and took me home, i realized it was gone! I looked everywhere and finally remembered that I must have left it somewhere at dance class... We went back to look for it, but we couldn't find it anywhere. I was so ashamed. I had one responsibility in life - to be a sannyasin - and i had blown it.

The mala did eventually turn up, but i don't remember how or where. All i remember is the tremendous feeling of guilt and responsibility i felt i had blown. I knew my parents would be disappointed. I don't know if they were disappointed or how it all ended. All I know is that it did end, i had my mala, and everything went back to normal. I know Rajneesh is not an organized religion, but hey look at me! I had all the appropriate guilt of a good little catholic girl!

Later that year, I wanted to wear my favorite blue dress. It was important to me. That's what i wanted and that was that! There was no talking me out of it. My mom sat me down and told me that it was fine for me to wear the dress, but that i must then give up my mala and new name and go back to being Julie. I was ecstatic! I could wear whatever I wanted and all I had to do was go back to how things were before! Hurray! So for the rest of that year until I was almost six, I went back to being Julie and wearing blue dresses.