Fear and loathing in Antelope

There came a time when the kids were still exiled at Antelope that the word came down from on high that the world was ending. We were told to expect nuclear holocaust at some undetermined future date and that we would be chosen to survive and that, of course, we would build caves in which to live. I'm pretty sure several religious cults have had this same notion, but at age 8, this was the first I'd heard of it.

They began to fill our heads with visions of horror. First, I remember them reading a book to us. It was written from the point of view of a young girl who had survived the attacks on Hiroshima, but who now had leukemia and was dying. They told us to prepare. Finally, the thing that pushed this 8-year-old psyche over the edge, was the movie "The Day After". They often showed us movies, bootlegged copies of various VHS tapes that they'd managed to score, but they were usually flicks like "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" and "the Incredible Mr. Limpet". Maybe not all appropriate for children, but none scary and usually funny.

Anyway, we were told to meet at the cafeteria to see a movie. We were told we didn't have a choice, it was required. We had been paired with "big brothers" or "big sisters" and it was their job at this time to make sure their charges sat through this movie. So, we unwittingly piled into the sitting hall at the cafeteria and gathered to watch this movie. As I remember it, it was about World War III and the aftermath of nuclear winter. All I remember is the sight of people's bodies being vaporized into ash. I was terrified. Mouna and I spent most of the movie hiding in fear in the bathroom together. It was awful. After that, I became obsessed with death.

I began to think about death constantly. I worried that Sarv would die. Then I worried that I would die and Sarv wouldn't survive without me. Then I wondered what happened to me when I died. Then I worried that I would never kiss a boy or get my period before I died (I was reading a lot of Judy Blume books at the time). I do think that it was a little weird that I was so constantly obsessed with death at such a young age, but being Jewish by birth anyway, I think it was in my genes.

Soon after the constant end-of-the-world hype, all the talk about it disappeared. It was like they realized, OK maybe the end of the world is coming, maybe it's not, but lets get back to the business of living. In any case. no caves were built and no further plans were made for our survival. I guess they decided that the shit had been sufficiently scared out of us.